It's so hard to know what to say. There is so much I have always wanted to say to you. I remember when we spoke on the phone we were talking about all the things we have in common, and how we have to get together soon.

But you were always busy at work, and I'm always busy being a single mom. Since September 11th, 2001 I've been thinking that I could have tried harder to meet you someplace and call you more often. Even if I walked with my daughter and dog, you weren't that far away.

I would have done it if you had time.

It's been hard to know what to do since Sept 11th. I tried to do as much as I could to find you. I called all the hotlines, hospitals, and all the people I knew who might be able to help. Lori told me they didn't have a picture of you to use to find you, So I asked family members and your friends for pictures. I got one from your prom, because everyone said you don't look any older. I wrote messages online on all the message boards and anywhere I could, to post about you being missing just in case anyone saw you, wanted to help, or wanted to know you were in the WTC. I made a 8x10 closeup picture of you, and taped, stapled and handed it out anywhere I could, all over Manhattan, some of LI, and all over Queens. Especially the area where we live.

Some people thought that was a good thing, and some people didn't. I know it was painful to see the picture. But it also did a lot of good, because I got so many calls from people who knew you. Friends from camp, school, work, girls you dated... you were very popular!
No wonder you didn't have enough time for everyone! They thanked me and said they wouldn't have known unless they saw the picture I put up with my number. So I've concluded that it was a good thing I did. I'm sorry that it upset some people, and I hope they forgive me, but I thought everyone else knew what I was doing. I hope you are ok with it.

I wish I could know.
The girls that knew you that I spoke to said you were such a good looking guy that you shouldn't mind. I felt so blessed to have been able to talk to so many people that knew you and loved you. Everyone had such great things to say about you. I learned so much more about you from your friends.

I only wish I could have known them from you.

I wish I could have been there more. I remember spending a lot of time with you when we were younger. You must have had people over all the time, since everyone talks about being there! You were always friendly and nice. Everyone loved being with you. Our family was much closer then. But when I gave birth to my daughter, you were barely out of your teens and our lives were very different at that point. We didn't see each other often after that, but whenever we got together it was great. In the last few years I've been trying to be more involved and closer to the family. You and your sister and parents have been on the top of my list. I always enjoyed the conversations you and I had when we got together. I'm glad we got the chance to talk more again in the last few years. 

I wanted to say all of this at your memorial in October,

but I didn't know that I had the opportunity. 
All I can do is continue to think about you, and talk about you to my daughter, so that you are not forgotten to the next generation of Barzvi's. She didn't know you well enough, yet you were always a good male role model for her. I guess I'll have to find another good male role model for Jaclyn, but nobody can ever replace you. It's sad that she knows you better now.
You have been and always will be a big part of our lives.

Now the question is how do we deal with this loss of a very special part of our family? All the talk about helping and being supportive of the victims families doesn't apply to cousins.
How does a extended family member get through it?

We don't get offers of emotional support. We are lost, and nobody knows how to find us unless we are listed on emergency contacts or as next of kin. When something happens, how long will it take for us to be called so that we can all be there for each other? When something happens and the family says they want to be alone, that should mean all of us. Not just mother, father and sister. We ALL love you.
We can hope that one day our families can be close again, and we can all be supportive of each other. But unless each one of us works on it, it won't work.
Anyway Guy, I hope you know I love you, Miss you, and think about you every day. I wish I could have told you that more often when you were around.
Your Cousin, Ava